Holding Your Own Space

Feed the machine love and calm

How can you keep your balance, your calm, and your sanity when the stresses of living in this world seem overwhelming?  What we feel when we have had an overdose of bad news, work stress, family issues, and financial pressures, all boils down to your body deciding that it is under attack. Yet, as real as it feels, in most cases, you are not actually in immediate personal danger.  

How can you unplug your nervous system from the overload, and stop the flight-or-fight reaction?

Holding Space

More than a decade ago, I made a decision to "take my energy out" of other people's drama; and after working with this for awhile, I realized that I could use the same technique on a larger scale, to provide a counterbalance when the media were playing up threats and political drama, and people around me began to freak out. I started to use it daily, to quell my own fears and doubts, to keep myself positive and constructive when faced with overwhelming situations and extremely upset people. I was working at a highly stressful job at that time, and I used to tell my co-worker, “Don’t feed the machine hate”, to which he would respond, “Feed the machine love and peace.”

This made us laugh, which always helps diffuse a difficult situation. But even aside from that, the more I used this practice, the more people would actually tell me that they noticed it. I had people use the term "Holding Space" to describe my presence and energy in a room--and I decided I liked that description. 

So, in my mind I use this term to describe the technique by which I keep myself centered and calm in the midst of powerful emotions such as fear, and anger. 

The phrase "Holding Space" itself has been used to mean many things, and has popularly come to be used in therapy; meaning that a therapist or loved one  remains calm and detached in order to allow another person to break down in a "safe space" and so work through their issues without interference. However, what I mean by Holding Space is different, it is a way of simply dealing with the stress and general craziness of our current society. 

Here is what I do. It isn't novel, it borrows from many teachings. You may need to tweak it to make it work for you, but I suggest you try it. And if it works for you, share it. 

When faced with an emotional trigger event which arouses anger, fear, outrage, hurt, pain, embarrassment, frustration, etc.etc.--  

1) Breathe. When you are triggered to go into panic or flight-or-fight mode, your breath shortens and becomes shallow; and this signals the body to begin the adrenaline-dump into your bloodstream. If you immediately stop and take several deep, slow breaths when you feel this begin to happen, it should stop the stress reaction, and enable you to move to the second step

2) Ask yourself--why am I reacting? Get that rational brain working. Push the reptile brain back down. Maybe the situation arouses old anger; deep, uncomfortable feelings; or a sense of injustice. But unless it is an immediate physical threat, reacting is not actually useful. 

3) Then, ask What can I actually do to help? In most situations where anger and panic are taking hold, what is needed is a calming voice and presence. Even if you strongly side with one person or opinion over the other, your best option is to prevent a screaming match or physical fight which will only exacerbate things. Remaining calm when others are losing their heads is a challenge. They will try to pull you into the fray, accusing you of "not caring". Detachment enables you to gain perspective on the situation and find useful things to say or do when appropriate. 

4) Actively Decide not to judge. This may mean deciding not to judge yourself, if you are panicking about self doubt or insecurities; or it may mean deciding to remain impartial until more information is assembled about a conflict. It is very easy to jump to conclusions with quick judgements, and quick judgement often leads to bad judgement. 

5) Choose to listen, or step away. Is your participation needed?  Do you need to listen? If you do, can you say things which calmly clarify the problem, or provide a different perspective?  If you can, will they be heard?  Make an attempt if you have something you can express calmly.  If it is rejected, then you know you will not be heard, so you should step back. Take your energy out of it. Let it go. 

6) Redirect. If nothing positive can be done about the situation, redirect your energy to something positive which you can do. This can be as basic as doing a chore--chop wood carry water. Or perhaps you will be inspired to write something, or create art or music, maybe work on an event to raise awareness, or simply be helpful to someone who needs it.

By holding your own space, and refusing to be drawn into high emotions, you usually will be able to hold space for others.

Maybe we can all learn to hold space for each other, as well as ourselves.